The Wave Is Here

I am happy to say that my pain and fatigue seem to be check, which makes each day better than the last. Here’s hoping that the “good day” streak continues…it will, because like I wrote in a previous post, my purpose is stronger than my pain, and I must believe that.

I’d like to share something else with you, something pretty extraordinary that I’ve alluded to in previous posts, but now it is most certain…

Imagine that you’ve lost something very special to you. It doesn’t matter if has sentimental or monetary value. When you realize you cannot find it, that it’s truly gone…that sick feeling in the pit of your gut begins to churn. It starts out small but gets worse by the second.  It feeds a frenzy of worry as you search for it, lifting up cushions, throwing clothes all over the place, making a colossal mess. As you retrace your steps, that sick feeling almost becomes unbearable. Part of you wants to vomit, while part of you wants to curl up in a ball and cry. You pray to Saint Anthony, hoping that it is returned to you, or to a higher power as you ask for help. Through the tears, you drop to the floor and admit defeat.

“It’s gone,” you say, crestfallen. “I’ll never have it again.”

If you imagine the above scenario with losing something physical, like a piece of jewelry or a $100 bill, you might consider posting a picture of your lost item on social media. Whether or not you find it again, life will almost certainly return to normal as you go about your days.

If it is a person you lose, it will undoubtedly be a longer grieving period. You might never recover from that absence in your life.

In my case, the thing I lost is very personal to me.

It’s my soul. Or at least, part of it.

There’s been a huge hole there for so long, a missing piece of the puzzle per se. My whole purpose in starting this blog was a way to “sea”k my soul so I could maybe find my focus, find my purpose, to fill that soul hole with what’s been eluding me for so long.

I’m sure you have sensed the longing in my posts over the past year and a half.

The best way I can sum up that feeling is to describe how I feel when I listen to the song “Encore” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Anthony Kiedis sings some very poignant lyrics, each line with a very personal meaning, almost like it was written just for me. The music is an escape, while simultaneously, a trap. It makes me look around curiously at what physically surrounds me on the external, and also go introspective and look at what is internal, what surrounds my soul.

When I listen to “Encore,” I think of times past for a fleeting second. I’m reassured I’m in the right place even though I am adrift and incomplete…”Hey, you’re fine…hold my hand…results are gonna vary now…”

At the end of the song, I feel a longing so large, but no idea what I am longing for. I am empty, yet content. I am safe and secure, while simultaneously uncertain and vulnerable.

One big, giant, bewildered, unfulfilling yet satisfying sigh…the best way to describe that feeling of longing.

Don’t get me wrong…there have been many extraordinary times in my life filled with adventures and laughter, accomplishment and happiness and wonder.

All the while, that hole is there just under the surface, surrounded by pieces from every single experience thus far on my life journey that fit together as one.

I prayed to St. Anthony in a feeble attempt to find what’s missing. He usually helps me when I’ve lost something, even though I’m not Catholic or overly religious, and when he does I am very quick to thank him. But when I asked him to come around so I could find the missing piece that would make my soul complete, his answer was an emphatic NOPE. “You are on your own,” he said.

I stare at a blank page when I have so much to get out, so many words and stories to share, so many lessons to teach, so many laughs to enjoy, all on top of the urgency to live this crazy and wonderful life…

Words.

Stories.

Lessons.

Laughter and Life.

I think I see something here.

I know I’ve improved over the past year on finding the right words, and more importantly, in getting those words out of my head and onto a screen or paper. And I know I have a few stories currently living rent free in my mind that need to be told…it’s time they start earning their keep.

my-soulJust like that, I finally know my purpose.

  • Writing
  • Teaching
  • Living

Instead of feeling bewildered, I am wrapped in a blanket of assurance and certainty.

Why did it take this long to figure it out? It’s so simple and obvious. Again, I am the chump who fought seeing the truth, when all along, it was right here on the surface.

The wave is here, and today, I rise.

Instead of “I think” and “I wish,” it’s now “I know” and “I will.”

I will write a book (or two or three). I will write for my blog. I will write for my assignments from my magazine publisher. I will teach my lessons, both in the classroom and through my writing. I will laugh while living every single moment of every day.

I will use my time more wisely as I pursue my purpose and calling while completing my mission from the universe.

Being OPEN actually brought me clarity. I waited so long for it, and here it is, unwavering and true. As I was determined to be OPEN, now I am resolute to be FOCUSED.

I am already transformed.

And SHE says, “It’s about time.”

Time to write, with a focus on my stories.

Time to teach, with a focus on my lessons.

Time to laugh.

And time to LIVE.

It’s finally time for my “Encore.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Mission from the Universe” Part 3: Be Open

201608089 5 Days Blog Photo New Fonts(Click HERE to read Part 1Click HERE to read Part 2)

So, what am I supposed to do with my life?

That is a question I’ve been asking myself since I was a teenager.

I get increasingly frustrated by the answer that comes immediately to mind:

I DON’T KNOW.

Mr. Hand calling out Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High for his tardiness is funny: “’Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?’ Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don’t know!”

I know you want to watch that scene right now, so click here to watch it on YouTube.

Like I said, Mr. Hand is funny.

My soul and my being not knowing what my purpose is for so long?

Not so much.

Throughout every stage of my life, while I might not have had a gut instinct as to what my purpose was, I’ve at least had goals or an outline of what I wanted to accomplish. I adapted to change, made the best of bad situations, and learned as I went along.

I’ve been successful in my careers, both present and past.  I am extremely grateful for the opportunities I have had, the skills I have mastered, the knowledge I have learned, and the lessons I have been taught by pretty much everyone who has been a part of my journey so far.

Despite all of that, I still feel that there’s something more I should be doing.

So the question remains:

What am I supposed to do with my life?

This feeling of floundering was evident in my word for 2015: DIRECTION.

Yes, I did find some direction. The fact that you are reading this is proof of that, as SoulSEAker was created to help me find my way.

This year, I chose the word DETERMINED as my word of the year. As all good little bloggers and writers do in this age of Zen, Mindfulness, and Intent, I penned a list of 6 personal goals I hoped, rather I was DETERMINED to accomplish.

Afterwards, I really thought about each one of those goals, and this is the first time I am admitting this:

I was full of shit.

Coming up with strategies and lists and doing things I don’t enjoy, just to say I accomplished what I set out to do, is asinine and a complete waste of my time.

Let alone I already have difficulty with daily responsibilities and tasks because of my health, now I was devising goals I didn’t believe in to take up more of that time I spoke of yesterday, time that I vow not to waste anymore?

What the hell was wrong with me?

I guess that since I’ve always had goals and outlines, I thought I HAD to have them.

Then it hit me.

With a rigid goal or plan, I am not open to new ideas or new avenues of discovery, which might lead me to what my purpose truly is. I’m just checking off boxes on a list, and the reward is that I can say I was, in fact, DETERMINED. I can then buy myself a trophy and take myself out to a celebratory meal at Roy Rogers. Big deal.

I’m not promoting irresponsibility at all here, and I in no way mean to belittle the importance of being determined. I’m not knocking mindfulness or intentions, either, as I believe in both. Sometimes true experiences are concealed by buzzwords and media chatter.

Rather, for the first time in my life, I saw the importance of just letting things happen as they do.

I abandoned my strategies and checklists, and became OPEN to what the year will bring me instead.

Once I did, life became less stressful and so much more enjoyable.

OPEN. The perfect word for me.

Then something happened.

I noticed the first “sign,” so to speak, shortly after declaring OPEN to be my new word.

Then the next appeared.

Then another.

The forces of the universe, in definite cahoots with SHE, are having a lot of fun at my expense, and I’m absolutely loving every minute of it.

It’s like a trail of breadcrumbs, one after another, and I’m the bird eating each crumb with excitement.

Some signs point in one direction, some in another. Some are obvious, while others are hidden. The meanings and connections are both easy and hard to decipher at the same time.

There’s a new sign every day, sometimes five or more. I’m open to seeing them, to finding them, to adding each to my web of connections.

And man, for someone who always hated puzzles and guessing games, it’s been ex-hil-ar-ating!!!!

Being OPEN is helping me to further find my DIRECTION. Not a plan, not a goal…just being OPEN.

I still don’t know what the purpose of my life is, and I don’t know why I am going to Dublin.

But for the first time in my life, I’m okay with I DON’T KNOW. Ironically, not knowing has brought joy to my soul and to my heart.

I think Mr. Hand would appreciate that. I know Spicoli would.

Stay tuned for Part 4: The Web of Connections tomorrow.

Something to SEA: Celebrating SoulSEAker’s First Birthday

20160627 Blog Photo New Fonts

Exactly one year ago, I published my first post here on SoulSEAker, thus beginning my online writing life. Looking back, the year was filled with ups and downs, laughter and tears, but what’s most important is how much I have grown over the last 365 days.

I definitely am still “sea”king my soul. That is something I will never be able to cross off my “to do” list, because I will be continually evolving as a human being until my last breath here on Earth.

I thought it would be an easier process to find who I am and what I am meant to do, figuring the answers would just come. No, sir. By being present each day, by leaving the past in the past and living for the present moment, instead of a final product of who I am emerging, an ever-changing version of myself greets each new day.

And I’m totally okay with that.

The most important lesson I have learned over the last year is to be OPEN. I earmarked the word “determined” to be my word of 2016, but have changed it to OPEN for many reasons. While I have accomplished many of my goals for not only 2016 but also for my 45th year, one thing is certain: I must be OPEN to the new directions on my life map that are continually appearing each day.

What the end result will be I don’t know, but I am determined to be OPEN and to see what each sign, each clue, and each day brings. These new directions will result in a revising of my year and my life goals when the time is right. And when the time is right, I know I will abandon fear by taking a leap of faith and doing what’s right for my soul, my heart, and me. It’s coming. I not only feel it, I know it.

I believe the next year will be filled with excitement, new beginnings, and life-changing experiences because I will put my soul first, no matter what.

I can’t even imagine what I will be writing about or looking back on when I pen a post for SoulSEAker’s second birthday, but whatever I write, I know my soul will be content.

Many thanks to you for sharing my journey over the past year. You are what give my words a purpose, and I hope that I’ve been able to reassure and inspire you. Special thanks to my regular followers C.M., D.C., M.W., R.C., S.T., C.T., M.M., D.K., L.F., S.T., K.C., R.Y., B.K., E.H., D.S., M.B., and M.E.

To help guide my writing, I’d appreciate you taking a brief reader survey, which can be accessed by clicking anywhere in this sentence. It will only take a few minutes and you can remain anonymous. Many, many thanks in advance.

Happy First Birthday to SoulSEAker!

With my utmost respect and gratitude,

Jill

Something to SEA: Thank You, 2015

20151229 Beach Photo

Hello friends!  It’s pretty hard to believe, but the time has come to say goodbye to another calendar year.

However, this one is different.

For the first time I can remember, I’m not bitter towards the year that’s about to end.  2015 wasn’t all that bad.  Sure, it was a year of adjustment for me, along with everyone in my family, as we got through the first full year without my father or father in law.  I did experience a good amount of work-related stress, which affected (and is still affecting) my Lupus and Fibromyalgia symptoms.  There were some low points at times, times of frustration that made me want to bang my head against a wall.

But overall, 2015 was a pretty good year.

It marked the first year in a long time that I decided to celebrate my birthday and say YES to life.

It was the year my words finally broke free, as I began SoulSEAker, as well as a number of other writing projects.

It was the year that I made tons of memories with my niece and nephews:  taking H to the aquarium and boardwalk three times, including once for the Sea of Lights; taking N to his first Six Flags experience and riding Skull Mountain 16 times in one day; taking E to Ron Jon’s in LBI for her birthday; taking N and E to Frightfest and to Holiday in the Park at Six Flags Great Adventure (and giving them season passes for 2016 for Christmas…perhaps I’ll conquer Nitro after all in 2016…after all, I got N to conquer Batman the Ride); and taking N and E on “Operation Christmas Tree Hunt 2015,” where I mapped out Christmas trees in local businesses, and we went into each business and took a picture with the tree…grand total:  50 trees in 3 hours, and a successful mission for Agent 101, Agent 202, and Agent 303.  Fireworks cruises, going to Target and the Comic Book store, going to the park, and more.  I hope that E, N, H, and I, the 4 most special people in my life, know how much I love them.  I’m a very lucky Auntie.

Instead of being a homebody, I got out there in 2015 and saw a number of pretty awesome places, many for the first time ever, with cherished friends and family: Flatiron Building & Strand Bookstore in New York City, Yankee Stadium (2 games!), Lucy the Elephant, Absecon Lighthouse, Strawberry Fields in Central Park, Columbia University Campus, New Jersey Vietnam Memorial and Museum, Monmouth Battlefield, many old cemeteries as I researched for an article I wrote, Mastoris, Tom’s Restaurant (the diner from Seinfeld), Walnford Park, Heritage Park in Allentown (NJ), Six Flags Great Adventure (4 times!), the boardwalk and aquarium right here in town, Cape May, Times Square/Rockefeller Center, Long Beach Island, Atlantic City Aquarium, Cattus Island Park, Hot Dog Johnny’s, Asbury Festhaus and Biergarten.  In addition, a 5-day clandestine getaway to Disney in November was a very special time with my husband.  We put ourselves first for once, and I’m so glad we did.

Besides the Disney trip, my favorite memory was seeing “Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens” with my brother on opening night, which was Thursday 12/17/2015.  From getting on line 2 hours early with my Boba Fett sweatshirt on, to sitting in the theater for more than 90 minutes just filled with excitement and anticipation (as was every other person there), to shared laughs and gasps, applause and tears, it was one of the most memorable experiences in my life.  Growing up “Star Wars” together, I couldn’t think of a better person to share the experience with than my brother.  I’m seeing it again today, and again in January with work friends…and probably a few more times after that!

2015 was the year I finally found my “direction.”  Direction was my word for the year, and I felt completely lost in early January of 2015.  But I am not lost any more.  It feels good to be on the right path and know I am worthy and I have a purpose…finally.

Deciding to live during my 44th year is the best decision I ever made.  I still have a few goals to cross off my original list, which you can see here, but I still have a little over a month until I am no longer 44.  Living 44 was my first writing focus that I shared as a blog, and was the precursor to SoulSEAker.

I am grateful for all of the wonderful gifts that 2015 gave me, most of all stronger bonds with my family and friends. I am also proud that I finally found the gumption to put my health conditions and symptoms at the forefront of every decision I make.  I’ve learned that it’s okay to say NO and to decide my course of action based upon MY health, not based upon the agenda of others.

I recently saw a post that read, “I’m not the same person I was when 2015 began.”  That’s true for me, and I am relieved to (for once) be facing a new year with positivity and optimism, versus sadness and dread.

I also have been seeing snarky posts on social media mocking the idea of becoming a better person with the new year.  Mock me all you want, but I am DETERMINED to become a better person simply by choosing to live and by accomplishing the goals I have set for 2016 (which I will write about tomorrow).  I can take your jabs and your insults, and if you feel better about yourself by making fun of me, go right ahead.  I am glad I can help improve your self esteem.  Not being snarky here…seriously.  I am glad I could help.

What is your favorite memory from 2015?  I’d love to know!  Please share in the comments section.

Until tomorrow,

Jill