The Wave Is Here

I am happy to say that my pain and fatigue seem to be check, which makes each day better than the last. Here’s hoping that the “good day” streak continues…it will, because like I wrote in a previous post, my purpose is stronger than my pain, and I must believe that.

I’d like to share something else with you, something pretty extraordinary that I’ve alluded to in previous posts, but now it is most certain…

Imagine that you’ve lost something very special to you. It doesn’t matter if has sentimental or monetary value. When you realize you cannot find it, that it’s truly gone…that sick feeling in the pit of your gut begins to churn. It starts out small but gets worse by the second.  It feeds a frenzy of worry as you search for it, lifting up cushions, throwing clothes all over the place, making a colossal mess. As you retrace your steps, that sick feeling almost becomes unbearable. Part of you wants to vomit, while part of you wants to curl up in a ball and cry. You pray to Saint Anthony, hoping that it is returned to you, or to a higher power as you ask for help. Through the tears, you drop to the floor and admit defeat.

“It’s gone,” you say, crestfallen. “I’ll never have it again.”

If you imagine the above scenario with losing something physical, like a piece of jewelry or a $100 bill, you might consider posting a picture of your lost item on social media. Whether or not you find it again, life will almost certainly return to normal as you go about your days.

If it is a person you lose, it will undoubtedly be a longer grieving period. You might never recover from that absence in your life.

In my case, the thing I lost is very personal to me.

It’s my soul. Or at least, part of it.

There’s been a huge hole there for so long, a missing piece of the puzzle per se. My whole purpose in starting this blog was a way to “sea”k my soul so I could maybe find my focus, find my purpose, to fill that soul hole with what’s been eluding me for so long.

I’m sure you have sensed the longing in my posts over the past year and a half.

The best way I can sum up that feeling is to describe how I feel when I listen to the song “Encore” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Anthony Kiedis sings some very poignant lyrics, each line with a very personal meaning, almost like it was written just for me. The music is an escape, while simultaneously, a trap. It makes me look around curiously at what physically surrounds me on the external, and also go introspective and look at what is internal, what surrounds my soul.

When I listen to “Encore,” I think of times past for a fleeting second. I’m reassured I’m in the right place even though I am adrift and incomplete…”Hey, you’re fine…hold my hand…results are gonna vary now…”

At the end of the song, I feel a longing so large, but no idea what I am longing for. I am empty, yet content. I am safe and secure, while simultaneously uncertain and vulnerable.

One big, giant, bewildered, unfulfilling yet satisfying sigh…the best way to describe that feeling of longing.

Don’t get me wrong…there have been many extraordinary times in my life filled with adventures and laughter, accomplishment and happiness and wonder.

All the while, that hole is there just under the surface, surrounded by pieces from every single experience thus far on my life journey that fit together as one.

I prayed to St. Anthony in a feeble attempt to find what’s missing. He usually helps me when I’ve lost something, even though I’m not Catholic or overly religious, and when he does I am very quick to thank him. But when I asked him to come around so I could find the missing piece that would make my soul complete, his answer was an emphatic NOPE. “You are on your own,” he said.

I stare at a blank page when I have so much to get out, so many words and stories to share, so many lessons to teach, so many laughs to enjoy, all on top of the urgency to live this crazy and wonderful life…

Words.

Stories.

Lessons.

Laughter and Life.

I think I see something here.

I know I’ve improved over the past year on finding the right words, and more importantly, in getting those words out of my head and onto a screen or paper. And I know I have a few stories currently living rent free in my mind that need to be told…it’s time they start earning their keep.

my-soulJust like that, I finally know my purpose.

  • Writing
  • Teaching
  • Living

Instead of feeling bewildered, I am wrapped in a blanket of assurance and certainty.

Why did it take this long to figure it out? It’s so simple and obvious. Again, I am the chump who fought seeing the truth, when all along, it was right here on the surface.

The wave is here, and today, I rise.

Instead of “I think” and “I wish,” it’s now “I know” and “I will.”

I will write a book (or two or three). I will write for my blog. I will write for my assignments from my magazine publisher. I will teach my lessons, both in the classroom and through my writing. I will laugh while living every single moment of every day.

I will use my time more wisely as I pursue my purpose and calling while completing my mission from the universe.

Being OPEN actually brought me clarity. I waited so long for it, and here it is, unwavering and true. As I was determined to be OPEN, now I am resolute to be FOCUSED.

I am already transformed.

And SHE says, “It’s about time.”

Time to write, with a focus on my stories.

Time to teach, with a focus on my lessons.

Time to laugh.

And time to LIVE.

It’s finally time for my “Encore.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Mission from the Universe” Part 3: Be Open

201608089 5 Days Blog Photo New Fonts(Click HERE to read Part 1Click HERE to read Part 2)

So, what am I supposed to do with my life?

That is a question I’ve been asking myself since I was a teenager.

I get increasingly frustrated by the answer that comes immediately to mind:

I DON’T KNOW.

Mr. Hand calling out Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High for his tardiness is funny: “’Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?’ Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don’t know!”

I know you want to watch that scene right now, so click here to watch it on YouTube.

Like I said, Mr. Hand is funny.

My soul and my being not knowing what my purpose is for so long?

Not so much.

Throughout every stage of my life, while I might not have had a gut instinct as to what my purpose was, I’ve at least had goals or an outline of what I wanted to accomplish. I adapted to change, made the best of bad situations, and learned as I went along.

I’ve been successful in my careers, both present and past.  I am extremely grateful for the opportunities I have had, the skills I have mastered, the knowledge I have learned, and the lessons I have been taught by pretty much everyone who has been a part of my journey so far.

Despite all of that, I still feel that there’s something more I should be doing.

So the question remains:

What am I supposed to do with my life?

This feeling of floundering was evident in my word for 2015: DIRECTION.

Yes, I did find some direction. The fact that you are reading this is proof of that, as SoulSEAker was created to help me find my way.

This year, I chose the word DETERMINED as my word of the year. As all good little bloggers and writers do in this age of Zen, Mindfulness, and Intent, I penned a list of 6 personal goals I hoped, rather I was DETERMINED to accomplish.

Afterwards, I really thought about each one of those goals, and this is the first time I am admitting this:

I was full of shit.

Coming up with strategies and lists and doing things I don’t enjoy, just to say I accomplished what I set out to do, is asinine and a complete waste of my time.

Let alone I already have difficulty with daily responsibilities and tasks because of my health, now I was devising goals I didn’t believe in to take up more of that time I spoke of yesterday, time that I vow not to waste anymore?

What the hell was wrong with me?

I guess that since I’ve always had goals and outlines, I thought I HAD to have them.

Then it hit me.

With a rigid goal or plan, I am not open to new ideas or new avenues of discovery, which might lead me to what my purpose truly is. I’m just checking off boxes on a list, and the reward is that I can say I was, in fact, DETERMINED. I can then buy myself a trophy and take myself out to a celebratory meal at Roy Rogers. Big deal.

I’m not promoting irresponsibility at all here, and I in no way mean to belittle the importance of being determined. I’m not knocking mindfulness or intentions, either, as I believe in both. Sometimes true experiences are concealed by buzzwords and media chatter.

Rather, for the first time in my life, I saw the importance of just letting things happen as they do.

I abandoned my strategies and checklists, and became OPEN to what the year will bring me instead.

Once I did, life became less stressful and so much more enjoyable.

OPEN. The perfect word for me.

Then something happened.

I noticed the first “sign,” so to speak, shortly after declaring OPEN to be my new word.

Then the next appeared.

Then another.

The forces of the universe, in definite cahoots with SHE, are having a lot of fun at my expense, and I’m absolutely loving every minute of it.

It’s like a trail of breadcrumbs, one after another, and I’m the bird eating each crumb with excitement.

Some signs point in one direction, some in another. Some are obvious, while others are hidden. The meanings and connections are both easy and hard to decipher at the same time.

There’s a new sign every day, sometimes five or more. I’m open to seeing them, to finding them, to adding each to my web of connections.

And man, for someone who always hated puzzles and guessing games, it’s been ex-hil-ar-ating!!!!

Being OPEN is helping me to further find my DIRECTION. Not a plan, not a goal…just being OPEN.

I still don’t know what the purpose of my life is, and I don’t know why I am going to Dublin.

But for the first time in my life, I’m okay with I DON’T KNOW. Ironically, not knowing has brought joy to my soul and to my heart.

I think Mr. Hand would appreciate that. I know Spicoli would.

Stay tuned for Part 4: The Web of Connections tomorrow.

Something to SEA: Celebrating SoulSEAker’s First Birthday

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Exactly one year ago, I published my first post here on SoulSEAker, thus beginning my online writing life. Looking back, the year was filled with ups and downs, laughter and tears, but what’s most important is how much I have grown over the last 365 days.

I definitely am still “sea”king my soul. That is something I will never be able to cross off my “to do” list, because I will be continually evolving as a human being until my last breath here on Earth.

I thought it would be an easier process to find who I am and what I am meant to do, figuring the answers would just come. No, sir. By being present each day, by leaving the past in the past and living for the present moment, instead of a final product of who I am emerging, an ever-changing version of myself greets each new day.

And I’m totally okay with that.

The most important lesson I have learned over the last year is to be OPEN. I earmarked the word “determined” to be my word of 2016, but have changed it to OPEN for many reasons. While I have accomplished many of my goals for not only 2016 but also for my 45th year, one thing is certain: I must be OPEN to the new directions on my life map that are continually appearing each day.

What the end result will be I don’t know, but I am determined to be OPEN and to see what each sign, each clue, and each day brings. These new directions will result in a revising of my year and my life goals when the time is right. And when the time is right, I know I will abandon fear by taking a leap of faith and doing what’s right for my soul, my heart, and me. It’s coming. I not only feel it, I know it.

I believe the next year will be filled with excitement, new beginnings, and life-changing experiences because I will put my soul first, no matter what.

I can’t even imagine what I will be writing about or looking back on when I pen a post for SoulSEAker’s second birthday, but whatever I write, I know my soul will be content.

Many thanks to you for sharing my journey over the past year. You are what give my words a purpose, and I hope that I’ve been able to reassure and inspire you. Special thanks to my regular followers C.M., D.C., M.W., R.C., S.T., C.T., M.M., D.K., L.F., S.T., K.C., R.Y., B.K., E.H., D.S., M.B., and M.E.

To help guide my writing, I’d appreciate you taking a brief reader survey, which can be accessed by clicking anywhere in this sentence. It will only take a few minutes and you can remain anonymous. Many, many thanks in advance.

Happy First Birthday to SoulSEAker!

With my utmost respect and gratitude,

Jill

Staring at the SEA: My 30 Year Relationship With The Cure

Back when I was in high school, circa mid-1980’s, I went to a local mall with my then-boyfriend. We browsed one of the many music stores to see what was new in the music scene. This was well before music downloads provided instant gratification. When new albums were released, we actually had to go somewhere to buy them, usually a mall or an independent record store.  We would then make copies and mix tapes for our friends and boyfriends/girlfriends on dual cassette players.

Anyway, I picked up The Cure’s Staring at the Sea-The Singles and wanted to buy it. I had recently started listening to a local alternative music radio station, WHTG 106.3, and heard a few songs by The Cure that I liked. The boyfriend, Mr. Commander, immediately took the cassette out of my hand and said he didn’t want me listening to “that” music. He was also incensed that I actually admitted to listening to “that” music on 106.3.

Infuriating, right? But my 15-year-old unsure self gave in, and I left with a cassette by Whitney Houston instead of the one I wanted.

I never listened to that Whitney Houston cassette. I just threw it into my nightstand drawer. It might even still be in there.

I cringe now at what an ass I was for not standing up for myself.

Shortly after this incident, I ended up getting a copy of Staring at the Sea from someone in my chemistry class.

And I listened to it.

And listened to it.

And listened to it….

and wore it out. Yes, that was possible, as was the player actually eating the tape.

That was 30 years ago.

By the time The Cure’s Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me was released, I was no longer with Mr. Commander and purchased it without any sort of fight from anyone.

I wore that cassette out, too.

Disintegration?

Yeah, I wore out two of those tapes before I had a CD player, and when I did get a CD player, the first CDs I bought were those 3, followed closely by Wish.

Unfortunately, I went through another “I’m Letting a Male Run My Life” phase when I, again, put someone else’s desires and interests before mine. Similar to Mr. Commander, he also had a disdain for The Cure for some reason and would only play music that he liked. And I went along with it. Again. Oh asshat of asshats I was…

That relationship ended with a costly legal battle and the changing of my last name back to its original version.

Once I stood up for myself, I turned right back to The Cure, adding each subsequent album release to my library and each song to my playlist.

Out of all of my music favorites, The Cure has been most influential throughout my life. Every song is meaningful, and some of the meanings have changed as I’ve grown and matured. I find the lyrics full of wisdom, empathy, and comfort. Something I love about The Cure is how each album has a distinctive sound and feel, different from the others, while the mainstay of Robert Smith’s unique voice soothes, cries, encourages, understands, and excites.

I obviously love The Cure, but I only saw them in concert once. That was during my heydey of being a party girl. I have little to zero recollection of the concert at all. I don’t remember who I even went with. Proud moment for me right there.

When I saw the announcement that The Cure was going on tour this summer, I knew right away that nothing was going to stop me from seeing this concert. Not my health, not my schedule, NOTHING!

I immediately talked to friends who were also fans of The Cure, and we agreed to try and get tickets for their show at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Well, we were all disheartened when the show sold out almost immediately. Not to worry, as The Cure knew that a lot of their fans weren’t able to get tickets, so they added two more shows.

When those tickets went on sale, we got them and were in! Sunday, June 19, baby, and our concert date was here before we knew it.

I am so thankful to have had four wonderful friends along with me for The Cure concert adventure. Three of us took the train in, while the other two met us in front of Madison Square Garden. We had dinner and putzed around, and soon enough, the doors were open and we made our way inside.

What are the odds that the vendors sold not only pins but postcards? It was kismet! I also purchased a quintessential tour T-shirt too and immediately put it on. I’m actually wearing it right now.

We were in our seats well before the opening act, The Twilight Sad, took the stage. They were excellent, and I’m glad to have found another group of real musicians to add to my playlist.

There was a brief intermission, then as the stagehands made the final instrument and set adjustments, the lights dimmed and the audience began to cheer and clap.

Two minutes later, The Cure took the stage. I couldn’t believe that Robert Smith and the band were right there, in front of me!

The band began an opening riff, and I simply was in disbelief: NO WAY! It couldn’t be!

The Cure opened with “Open.”

A little sidebar here: if you read the lyrics to “Open,” you’ll get the gist of what the song is about. “Open” is how I felt pretty much during my entire 20s: “The way the rain comes down hard, that’s the way I feel inside.” I did not like who I was during that time in my life, and to hide that, I drank way too much and way too often. Bad decisions all around for years.

Today, the song shows me what I’ve overcome. It’s on constant playlist rotation. I intentionally listen to it often to remind myself about how far I’ve come, and how much further I’d like to go.

Hearing The Cure open the show with “Open” reassured me that I was exactly where I needed to be at that moment, and I took it all in. I felt like Robert Smith was singing just to me…empathizing, encouraging, and understanding as always. I’ve now resolved to be OPEN with what life hands me and to following the cosmic signs that are surrounding me every day. It’s a true adventure every day, with The Cure always playing in the background.

I was amazed at how great The Cure sounded. Everything was authentic, and real, and wonderful. The musical talent combined with that distinctive voice played favorite after favorite, including “Pictures of You,” “Hanging Garden,” “If Only Tonight We Could Sleep,” “High,” “From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea,” “Just Like Heaven,” “Love Song,” “Primary,” “Cut,” “Snakepit,” and more. So incredible, each and every song.

It was simply euphoric, and one of the most meaningful experiences of my life.

Even though I was sharing this experience with friends and a sold-out crowd of over 18,000 other fans, I was also alone.

It was me and The Cure, alone. As I listened and danced and sang along…

I was that 15-year-old girl who wanted to buy Staring at the Sea with the song “Primary” on it.

I was that 17-year-old girl dancing to the junior prom song “Just Like Heaven” with my classmates.

I was that 18-year-old soon to be high school graduate playing “Snakepit” as I drove around the Inlet.

I was that 19-year-old girl listening to “Pictures of You” and “Love Song” in my college dorm.

I was that 21-year-old listening to “High” when I got ready to go to the local watering hole for the night.

I was that young woman facing divorce who listened to “Cut” for courage.

And I was that 45-year-old woman, finally looking back with acceptance and forward with excitement while singing along, word for word, to “Open.”

Even though they will not read this, I would like to thank Robert Smith, Simon Gallup, Jason Cooper, Roger O’Donnell, and Reeves Gabrels.  I’m only one tiny speck of their following, but this tiny speck is eternally grateful their influence. Their music, vocals, and lyrics have been the soundtrack for 30 years of my journey here on earth so far (that about 70% of my life), and will always be on my playlist until my journey ends.

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Thank you too to my friends Heather, Dan, Jennifer, and Noah. And if anyone with local radio power is reading, PLEASE bring back the classic WHTG 106.3 radio station! We NEED it!